Maybe I
by Myrielle
Summary: Yi Jeong muses about a certain Chu Ga Eul and thinks that maybe, just maybe, she could be it.


Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Lyrics are from Five for Fighting's absolutely gorgeous song, 'Maybe I'. They've been adapted and worked into the story as well.

Summary: Yi Jeong muses about a certain Chu Ga Eul and thinks that maybe, just maybe, she could be it.

**MAYBE I**

_You were right  
You came over me  
What'd never been before  
You slid under my door and now I find  
A Reason to admit I've been too lazy  
_

I am in love with her. Standing under this grey sky, with the barren trees above me, with this still air wrapped around me and this chill upon my heart, I realise that I am in love. She's walking away now and I can't even bring myself to look at her because I might just run after her and spill my heart on the floor. I was going to tell her we could try, I was going to tell her that our time had arrived.

Instead, she's walking away now. And I'm caught in the grip of this revelation that takes my breath away. Chu Ga Eul, Geum Jan Di's best friend, the country bumpkin, the woman who sewed my heart back together and who's just left it bleeding again, has rejected me. And all I want to do is beg her for another chance. I must be in love.

I don't remember driving home, I don't recall making it through the door. I'm moving forward, stuck in a moment, living in eternal rewind. How had this happened to me? Cool sheets touch my hot face and I close my eyes. I remember.

I'd always been so careful, always had my armour on. My smiles, my suits, my philosophy. She blew all that out of the water, the first girl to become disenchanted with me. I could see the glow fade from her eyes, that sweet light which I had noticed when our eyes met for the first time. I didn't care about it then, she was just another girl, an especially annoyingly obstinate one because she wouldn't do as she had been told. My pride had been dented but I lied to Woo Bin and said it was her unsophisticated mannerisms that turned me off.

I was hooked. She reeled me in without knowing, with those dreamy eyes and that hopeful look. She slid under my door and into my skin with her talk of soulmates. I was dying in a wilderness of denial, determined to have it my way and along she came and changed everything. The girl who visibly detested me was the one who spoke to the heart I had silenced.

For her I would be a white knight. And in saving her I saved myself. It felt good, to do something else for someone. To care for someone else, the other side of me, the one I hardly knew which had suddenly come to life. When I told the driver to go back, as I walked up to her, I told myself I was crazy. That she would be crazy to accept help from someone like me. I'm not so easily stung, it takes a lot to move me but the sight of her weeping on the stairs, to know someone had quenched that bright blaze in her, it did something to me. Now I know what it is, what that moment did to me.

She's beautiful. I was glad that she hadn't been looking, hadn't seen me looking in the mirror. She would have seen something real, as I did. I've never been with a woman like this, coaxing gently, basking in the glow of her uncertain but growing confidence. I've never been so determined to wipe the tears from someone's eyes. I've never made such an exhibit of myself but it was all for her. And for me too. A sweet pretence that I wanted to last through the night. She was the forgetfulness I drowned myself in that night.

I want to hold her. The second woman I have ever run after, the second one to make me lose control. Those were my chocolates and if I couldn't have her, I would have those at least. Her affection, like her, was simple, sweet and profound, much too good for the likes of me but it was so sweet. I had indulged and now she would pay, as would I. That night, it was her name silent on my lips, in my sighs and groans, wrapped in my secret wish, to hold her inside me, for her to stay the night. And in return for my treachery, she brought me gifts and left them on my doorstep. Thus by giving she took everything, she took me and kept me from running too far.

I'm addicted. Why else would I come back for more? She was mine and I would be damned if I let Woo Bin go out with her. Told myself I had to protect her but what I really wanted was to keep her safe for me, to keep what I thought of as mine, all mine. Peach lipstick, full lips, floral scents and a slender waist. Bright golden lights, warm hands and laughter. Flying on ice. That's what that evening is made of. I was happy. And I realised that I wasn't pretending.

I can't make up my mind. She showed up like an unwanted angel, tentative and gentle, afraid and brave and she broke her heart and mine by asking me out. So I put on my mask, became Casanova and told her I was not for her, that ours was a story that wasn't meant to be. When she left the emptiness she left behind was so deep I thought I would drown. I wanted to hurt something, someone, her, myself most of all. She tormented me and when I needed someone to blame, I ran to her. I would show her exactly what I was. She still loved me, in all my ugliness, even when I bruised her. I think maybe that's when love began for me.

I take one step forward and two steps back. On the brink of a new beginning and the past returned. Old love, first love called out to me. I wanted to make up for mistakes, to go back to the safety of familiarity, to hold onto that which I lost. I never knew what a fool I was, to chase the wind when I had light in my hands. And she let me go, she sent me to Eun Jae. She put me back together again, with her hours, with unwavering devotion, with mornings spent searching for that sign, to show me, as I knelt there on the ground how to stand again. Then she faded from sight, never came back to me again.

For once, I went searching. I found my way to her only to have her tell me now that she isn't for me. She's given up and I… I want to tell her that all I never said to Eun Jae is buried, laid to rest, that she is here and alive for me. She's real and I can't let go, I won't let go.

I'm trying to believe, and she can't stop now either. I know how this story will go, how I'll write it for us now. She'll be at the shop; she always is on that day at that time. She'll come with me, I'll bring her to a quiet place. And then I'll tell her that I'll wait for her. Four years, seas apart, people between us. Maybe I won't be the one for her love, she might meet another.

But if we are soulmates, we'll be each others' heaven above. She'll be the one I come home to.


End file.
